1. DISOBEDIENCE

hi. my name is Masen. I’m an ambitious, creative, intelligent and loving person trying to rid myself of perfectionism. for as long as I can remember I’ve been extremely ambitious and have had purpose tied to most of my ambitions and creativity. I’ve wanted to start so many things and try so much. and eventually, those fears have been masked under the excuse that is perfectionism.

every time I think of—thought of wanting to do something, I rabbit hole research. I want to know how to do what I’ve been called to do. when to, what mistakes to avoid. and often times I would start. and never finished. I would always work on things. work toward progress and instead of stepping fully into my purpose. ultimately, I wanted the answer, or solution to the unsolvable dilemma: how to avoid negative emotion. Failure, rejection, disappointment, fear, discomfort and any other emotion similar. And what that would ultimately lead to was over analyzing, overthinking, analysis paralysis and ultimately—nothing. It would lead to me doing… nothing. nothing that really produced fruit was done with this amazing goal, dream, passion or idea that was given to me by God—that I received. and worse, that idea would moved on to another person. and it would be done—with as much respect possible—not as well as I could have done it. but it that’s not my business. it’s not for my to judge someone else’s execution when I let fear stop me from doing it.

so I started to rationalize. well maybe it wasn’t for me. maybe I’m not meant to be an “executor”. maybe I’m not supposed to be the do-er. I’m really good at planning. I can think of strategy and creative marketing and all things to make things grow. maybe that’s what I’m supposed to do. I rationalized so much I started to believe. maybe I should be a consultant? I can help people and businesses grow to their full potential. I can help others do what I was too scared to do. right? but then, even in my excuse of an idea: I ran into more overthinking but this time it could be justified: who would pay and or trust someone with their business and life that’s never took the courage to do what they’re trying to assist in? and I thought and figured and planned and…. nothing came from that. I didn’t feel right in having to do what I would have to do to convince people to trust me. so again, nothing happened.

so we’re back at ground zero. that idea… maybe not for right now, but the root issue is still the same. the root issue being lack of application of my faith, my courage and not wanting to trust God that gives me these resources in the first place. eventually you arrive back at that level of the game, until you beat the objective of that level. you might get to do cool stuff, meet nice people and unlock things: but you still have to beat that level to move forward.

so again, back at ground zero of this level. I tell God I trust him. I tell people I trust God. I’ve told myself that I trust God and have told myself to trust him. but I’ve never extensively actually trusted him in a journey like the one I’m currently onto now. cause what I’ve learned is that courage and faith aren’t statements. they aren’t even actions. they’re commitments. it’s a state of being. you live in it. you don’t do it courage, you don’t do faith. you must become and be courageous. and you must become and be faithful. it’s not what you say you are. because when you are those things, you don’t have to say it. if a person has to tell you they’re loving or rich for you to realize they are then that’s an issue. it will permeate their existence in all facets. so that’s where I am. making the commitment to be faithful and to be courageous and to be obedient.

so where am I now? what’s on the agenda? what have I been wanting to do that’s again interrupted by the root issue; not trusting God, not being faithful and courageous and rationalized disobedience? what 1-2 things can I act on right now to start small in living in faith. I’ve had a brand that I’ve wanted to start that would be more about service that it would ever be about clothes or products. I’ve wanted to start a business that I’ve been studying the industry of. and lastly, I’ve been wanting really bad, to start a blog. my own digital home base for community, a place of fellowship, love and goodness. my own space—our own space. I want to celebrate others, share my own art, host all things that the world needs. and most importantly: do the will of God and do the assignments he’s given me. that’s in all endeavors I jump into. and thus far, in those, up until now I’ve waited for the perfect time. waiting for the demand. waiting for the perfect… perfect… waited for be perfect. and it doesn’t exist and never will. so I’m just starting. and I’ll improve it as I go. this essay, that you’ve just heard, or read is the first piece of content on my blog. and the first thing here, after publishing. so thank you for listening, and thank you for helping me on my journey to living as Christ wants me to. and I hope my journey can be used to inspire someone else to do the same. and with that being said: I’ve brought you in on the journey, and it’s time to get to work, and get into purpose. thank you for reading and or listening. I’ll see you soon. Love you bye.